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Spreading yourself too thinly (I see you, busy Mum!) can be maintained in the short-term but will ultimately result in one of two outcomes; either you’ll eventually break under the constant stress, or your ability to fulfil any of your commitments to a standard you are happy with will begin to wane.

Regardless of the outcome, taking on too much can lead to a breakdown of relationships and friendships, losing employment or neglecting your role as a parent/carer.

None of these things end up making you less stressed, either.

Many people who fall foul of this will reason that they don’t want to upset others or that they enjoy being helpful, but it’s worth remembering the airplane emergency rules of securing your own oxygen mask before helping others.

As you may know, I am a Paramedic. We are reminded throughout our training that if you are dead, injured or incapacitated then you are certainly unable to help others. The importance of keeping yourself safe and healthy is paramount in order to remain capable to help other people.

FYI, this is relevant to daily life, too!

So how can you secure your oxygen mask first? You don’t have to throw up your arms and neglect every one of your responsibilities in order to achieve this; life is better on a balance, let’s be honest. But it is worth discovering your own personal threshold.

Different people will have varying abilities to cope with demands on their time and attention. Your Mum friend may be able to cope with it all (we all know her, love her, and also slightly resent her!) and maybe you can’t.

But just so you know, that’s okay! You aren’t her. You don’t need to be her, you need to be you!

Whatever your own capabilities are, it’s worth spending some time working out where your personal and professional boundaries lie.

Some people can cope with more than others, and that’s okay. Be aware of your own capacity, make peace with it and hold those boundaries.

Why Should You Say No To People?

Something I will always come back to here is maintaining balance. Whilst it’s important to put yourself out there and challenge your comfort zone from time-to-time, it’s just as important to know when to say no instead.

Say no to safeguard your stress levels: stress can wreak havoc on both your mental and physical health. A UK-wide study found that 74% of people have felt unable to cope with their stress levels in the past year; a staggering statistic. Taking on more than you can manage, or taking on things that you don’t want to all add to your background stress levels, which can ultimately culminate in chronic stress.

Say no to reduce your own regret and resentment: spending time doing things that don’t align with your values or goals can cause resentment when you find yourself without the time to do the things that make you happy. Your relationships with others can become strained if you find yourself agreeing to their requests on a regular basis, resulting in insufficient time to make space for your own goals or hobbies.

Say no to establish and hold your boundaries: having firm boundaries allows you the head-space to foster your own mental well-being. Most people like to know where they stand in a relationship or friendship, and holding clear boundaries can make others feel more secure in their interactions with you. Holding boundaries doesn’t have to be unkind, and I will discuss some example phrases later in the article to help you achieve this.

Saying “No” In Your Personal Life

Saying no to your partner can be challenging because of how much you love and care for them. It’s natural to want to do your best for them, but it’s important that this doesn’t occur at your own expense.

Holding boundaries with a partner allows them to understand you better which can deepen your relationship together. Hopefully, your partner wants what is best for you too, so they should be open to regular compromise. If you find yourself in a relationship that does not have your best interests at heart, or requires you to consistently disregard your own needs, then you may wish to consider if this relationship is right for you. A strong, healthy relationship is balanced, and both of your needs should be important.

Practising the art of compromise can be key to a relationship, and this can take some time to finesse! Remaining flexible is key. Is there a way that both of your needs can be met? For example, you might say no to a day out with your partners family one day, but agree to do something with them the weekend after instead. (You probably can’t dodge your in-laws forever, soz).

Your close family and friends are another challenging set of people to say no to. Often we feel emotionally obliged to our close family, especially our parents, who we may feel have done so much for us growing up that we owe them!

It’s difficult to let down those that you love, especially when they often know us so well that they can present emotive arguments to convince us that we should participate in their plans.

It can be helpful to explain why you are holding this particular boundary right now. If you are feeling touched out after a stressful week at work and just want a day to decompress, then tell them this. Your family will want what’s best for you as well, and you may be surprised by how effective this can be.

Feel free to offer no explanation. Sometimes it may be better not to give a rationale, and to just say that you aren’t able to make it to an event or help with a particular request.

Saying No To Your Boss/At Work

Saying no at work can be particularly difficult because of contractual obligations that you may have to fill. Over and above this, you may also fear that you will be perceived as ‘lazy’ or not as capable as another colleague when a promotion comes around.

These fears are valid, but it’s common for people to take on so much that they are unable to fulfil any of their duties with the attention required, culminating in poorer performance.

Taking on too much can hurt your true productivity and negatively affect your performance. The quality of work is likely to slip if you are unable to dedicate sufficient time and attention to each task. Most bosses want you to fulfil your role with competence, as opposed to poorly performing more tasks than necessary.

Turning down projects can show that you are adept at prioritising effectively. This is an important time management technique, and any boss worth their salt will recognise this in you. You are more likely to stand out for promotion by competently managing your workload instead of charging around the office trying to get too much done at once, causing you to consistently drop the ball or produce poor quality work.

Why Is Saying No So Difficult?

We can all probably remember a time where we have upset someone because we said no, and this doesn’t make us feel good. The resulting guilt can play on your mind and may have caused strained relationships in the past.

But this isn’t a good reason to continue to take on more than you can manage, and strong healthy relationships will not be rumbled because you said no when you needed to. It will, however, weed out those relationships that are perhaps not as balanced as they should be! It’s hard to consider this as a good thing, but overall it will encourage a stable balance to your life to surround yourself with people who respect your needs as well as their own.

When Should You Say No?

The short answer is; whenever you want or need to! But there are grey areas aplenty here, so you might find it helpful to ask yourself some questions to decide:

Do I have the time for this?

Will this cause me to become stressed or to burn out?

Does this align with my values or goals?

Are there complicated reasons that would make saying ‘no’ more challenging?

How To Say No To People

Here are a few phrases and strategies that you can use to make saying ‘no’ a bit easier.

“I can’t do X right now, but I can do it [insert time/date here]” or “I can’t do X right now but I can do Y”.

This can give you the opportunity to make a request work for you or to change the schedule for a better time. This is particularly useful to practice initially as it isn’t an outright ‘no’, and many people will feel more comfortable starting with this strategy.

“I’ll have a think about it and let you know”

This gives you time to go away and make a full decision on how to approach your response. It also signals to the other person that you aren’t an outright ‘yes’, so if you decide to say ‘no’ when you get back to them, the seeds of doubt have already been sown.

“I can’t, I’m sorry”

Whilst you don’t need to feel apologetic for saying no, being polite goes a long way. It’s important to also be firm, as sounding unsure gives somebody an opening to try and twist your arm!

You aren’t obliged to give somebody a reason for saying no, and neither should anyone expect a reason from you. But if you do find yourself in this predicament, you might want to try the following:

“I can’t fit it into my schedule right now”

“I’m feeling overwhelmed with work/school/life right now and need a break”

“It isn’t something that interests me or aligns with my goals/values.”

Ultimately, practise makes perfect. We all sometimes get into the habit of saying ‘yes’ even when we don’t want to, and it can take some time to get used to saying ‘no’, but regular and gentle practice will make it feel second nature; just remember to say yes when you want to, or even to sometimes extend beyond your usual comfort zone! As with anything, balance is key.

Live Happy, friends!

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